The Art of Low-Lift Confidence (From a Formally Self-Conscious Person)

I recently wrote an article on how to become a disgustingly good conversationalist, and received this comment on Substack:

It received 40+ likes and I very quickly realized that I needed to write on this topic because I’ve been there + have legitimately found things that have helped me overcome this problem.

My ability to be outgoing and make good conversation was really hit or miss for years of my life.

One moment it felt like I could easily make friends and be comfortable in my own skin, and then the next I was pulling blanks on how to continue a conversation.

But two things have helped me change this over the years, and here’s what they are in the order they happened.

1. Picking a Persona

This was the first step in helping me to have more confidence, and it legit made things so much easier (even going to a party where I didn’t know that many people).

Back when Facebook was a lot more prevalent, I realized there was a difference between my real life self and my Facebook self.

My Facebook self was outgoing, witty, funny, and cool.

My real life self was… spotty.

So I started asking myself, “What would Facebook Grace do?” And suddenly, it just clicked.

Something about me making the mental switch to acting or speaking the way she would helped get me out of my head. But it did something more than just change the way I interacted with others.

I realized that even if I was at a party and there was a gap between talking to people, Facebook me wouldn’t even care. She’s be relaxed, enjoy some dessert, and be comfortable being by herself. So I did that.

And I think others could see that; they could tell that I was calm, I wasn’t hoping someone would spark a conversation with me, and I wasn’t desperate or standoffish. I really do believe that helped make it so that some people gravitated toward me, and it was a lot easier to start conversations and make friends.

Important Note: If this doesn’t come naturally at first, then just know that it’s ok if it’s a process. Change isn’t supposed to happen in one evening; you’re allowed to grow at a pace that’s comfortable to you.

I guess in the end you could say this is something like “fake it until you make it?” Maybe that’s what it is. Or maybe it’s more like choosing to

2. Make the Conscious Choice to Keep Putting the Focus on the Other Person

I know I spoke about this in my article on how to become a good conversationalist, but I wanted to highlight a story.

A few years ago, I attended an event where I met my now friend, Ana.

We had started up a good conversation and I remember asking her something like, “How are you so outgoing?” Or, “How are you so good at conversation?” I almost assumed it came naturally.

Nope.

She said that she used to be a very socially awkward person, but then she started putting the focus on the other person and it helped her get out of her head.

She wasn’t focused on the fear of messing up or having nothing to say, she was focused on making the other person feel comfortable.

And it really does come down to that: making another person (who might also be feeling self-conscious) feel comfortable in the conversation changes the dynamic completely. You suddenly stop making it about yourself and start focusing on learning more about this other person and wanting them to feel good in the interaction.

Again, this doesn’t have to be something you’re an expert at right away. Also just know this: if you’re not good at something right way, that doesn’t make you a failure, it just means you’re human.

Side Note: I’m sorry that last sentence sounded AI (AI loves using sentences like, “it’s not X, it’s Y” or “you’re not X, you’re Y”), but I promise that was 100% me.

So please have patience with yourself in this growth process; you’re only going to do this life once, so you might as well be kind to yourself.

PS – Here are some good conversation starters to help you the next time you’re head to a gathering. Also, here are some more tips on how to overcome your insecurities.