How to Become a Disgustingly Good Conversationalist

After years of sitting at dinners parties, meeting new people in different countries, coffee dates, and spontaneous party invites, I’ve found that there are just a few key components that will legit make you a disgustingly good conversationalist.

And you know what?

Learning to incorporate these good conversationalist habits will kill two birds with one stone (actually more than two):

• Yes, you will be good at conversation.
• Making friends + important connections will become (a lot) easier.
• You’re just going to become that person people like being around. The person they come up to at a party once you’ve arrived, not the other way around.
• You’ll feel more comfortable in your own skin.
• You’ll be able to easily see the kind of people you don’t want to pursue a deeper connection with (I’ll go more into that later).

So if you’re ready to become ridiculously good at conversation, then here are my top tips.

Make What’s Important to Them, Important to You

I remember hearing this line years ago from a series I was watching and it stuck with me ever since. Listen to whatever is actually important to the other person, and then make it important to you.

This could be about a certain life path they chose, a topic they’re really interested in, a passion, a lifestyle change, a hobby, a career, a goal, or a big locational move. And once you find a topic you can tell is really important to them, then you can ask them about…

• What first made them interested, got them started, or got them asking questions.
• How it’s developed over the years.
• How it’s changed them.
• What other interests or doors it’s opened up to them.
• What a beginner should know about that interest or life path.
• What unexpected changes it’s made.

And this leads me to my next point.

Lead With Curiosity

The same above can be applied to this tip.

Also, my husband is a master at this and I learned from him and quickly benefited.

Whether you’re talking to someone for the first time or you’ve only known each other for a few weeks, don’t just ask them about the things they’ve brought up, ask them about the things that you think might be of interest to them.

Here’s what I mean:

When my husband and I traveled to other countries, I noticed he would take a genuine interest in other people’s cultures and it would lead into a really great conversation that he could keep going for a hot minute. When I asked him how he did this, he told me that he led things with curiosity.

He’d listen to their answers and then take a bit of information they gave, get curious about it, and then ask a related question which would take then into a deeper conversation.

And when it comes to a normal conversation you might have at a get-together, listen to the details they give you. This could be about their career, family, hobbies, or any little bit of information. Then get curious and put a spotlight on that information they gave you.

Ask them…

• What they like the most about their career.
• How learning a topic has changed the way they think.
• What are the unexpected things they like about having moved to a certain city.

As you learn to grow in this, you’re going to get better at asking conversation-worthy questions and the awkward silences will get a lot less frequent.

Start With a Compliment

Break the ice by starting things off with a compliment.

And this has to be a genuine compliment, not just a meaningless, insincere “compliment” that’ll boost their ego for 30 seconds.

Find something that you actually like about them; this lets them instantly know what kind of person you are. You’re someone who’s kind, wants to get to know them, and who’s putting themselves out there.

Basically the kind of personally nearly everyone wants to talk to.

And of course, this will make them a lot more comfortable to start a conversation with you.

Keep it an A and Mostly B Conversation

There are A/B conversations where both parties are equally going back and forth, and no one is monologuing. And then there are A and mostly B conversations.

You are person A and the person you are speaking to is person B. You want person B to feel important and let them do most of the talking. This is legit one of the easiest ways to make someone feel comfortable, love talking to you, maybe make a good friend, and potentially open up a new door.

Ask follow up questions, press in for more details, occasionally share your own thoughts and interesting anecdotes, but try to make sure the limelight isn’t always on you.

So basically you’re treating the other person the way you would want to be treated.

Side Note: If the person really does go for a hot minute without really taking an interest in you (at all), this is also good to take note on. They might not be someone you want to be friends with in general. I know I said to put the limelight on them, but if they don’t ever attempt to get to know you, then this might be a red flag.

Have a Cheat Sheet

This is another conversation hack I learned from my husband, and it works for conversations you’re having with a close friend or a stranger.

So if it’s a close friend you regularly hangout with, keep a list of interesting topics and questions that comes up throughout the weeks in your notes app. My husband can keep an amazing conversation going for hours when he meets up or talks with a friend over video.

And if it’s a new person, just keeping some legit good questions and conversation starters in your head before you head to a gathering will help things feel a lot more relaxed.

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I feel like a good way to end this is to say that all of these tips come down to one thing:

If you’re making it about the other person, you’ll have less room in your head to worry about messing things up.

When you make it about them, you’re less focused on yourself and you’re having less thoughts like, “What if I say something stupid?” or, “What if there’s an awkward silence?”

And as someone who used to really struggle with this and knows that these methods work, I just want you to know that you can do this.

It doesn’t matter who you were in high school or what others have thought of you. All that matters is now and the you you’re willing to create.