What Are the Five Love Languages? Your Guide to Deeper, Lasting Love

The five love languages are the ways people give and receive love in relationships: words of acts of service, quality time, affirmation, physical touch, and receiving gifts.

And understanding your partner’s love language (and yours) will help you connect more deeply and make sure that you both feel valued and loved.

Gary Chapman, the author of the book The 5 Love Languages, goes into how to express love in a way that your partner will truly understand and that makes them feel cared for. He takes the guesswork out of the process and simplifies things so that you can move forward in creating a much deeper, healthier connection.

So if you want to learn more on the different types of love languages and how to apply them in your own relationship, then this guide is for you.

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In This Article:

• The Five Love Languages & How to Implement Them
• Why You Should Know Your Partner’s Love Language
• How to Figure Out Your Love Language
• The Benefits of Knowing Your Partner’s Love Languages 
• Mistakes to Avoid With the 5 Love Languages
• How to Practice the Love Languages With Others

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The Five Love Languages & How to Implement Them

Chapman is a pastor and a counselor, and his experience with helping others in their marriages led him to writing this very well known book.

He saw that couples weren’t understanding what the other needed and came up with this love language list:

• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Words of Affirmation
• Physical Touch

Receiving Gifts

Having the love language of “receiving gifts” means that your significant others feels appreciated and loved when you show affection through gifts. It’s not that they’re materialistic, but it’s the thought and the effort that matters most to them. It’s a way to make them feel loved, important, and seen.

Examples of Gift Giving:

• Listen -> Wait -> Store -> Give: This is something that my spouse and I do all the time. We’ll listen and hear something that the other wants or likes, wait so it’s unexpected (a surprise), go to the store (or online), buy it, and then surprise them with it as it shows up on their door step or in our hands.
• Surprise Them at a Restaurant: When you both go out to eat, order a special dessert or side and surprise them with it when it gets to the table. You can do this with takeout as well. Just order from their favorite place and watch their reaction!
• Save Up: If you know that your significant other wants something expensive, you can do one of two things. First, set back money each paycheck until you’re able to afford it. Then surprise them with the gift that they’ve been wanting this entire. Second, you can do this together. You can both bond through the process of your savings getting closer to the goal. It’s an awesome way to let them know that you care.
• The Simple Things: A gift doesn’t have to cost money either. So for instance, if your wife likes poetry, you could create your own meaningful card and include a love message and beautiful love poems for her. That’ll always be a great way to make her feel thought of!

Physical Touch

If your partner’s love language is “physical touch,” then that means they feel loved with the physical affection you show them. Yes, sex is apart of it, but they also feel taken care of when you’re holding them, holding hands, stroking their face, or cuddling.

Examples of Physical Touch:

• Give Them a Massage: If they’ve had a long day, give them a back rub or a shoulder and neck massage.
• Be Spontaneous: The best way to make someone feel cared about is to initiate physical touch for no reason. You weren’t asked or hinted at to hold their hand or hold them, you just did it. It let’s them know that you desire to be around them and fulfill any physical need they have.
• The Small Things: Look for opportunities to make physical contact. So whether you’re at the movies and you wrap your arm around them, or your leg is simply against theirs, find small ways to cater to this part of them.
• Turn a Hug Into a Hold: Whether you’re coming home to your wife or husband, or you’re meeting up with them for a date, turn that hug into a hold. When they think they’re just wrapping their arms around you for an instant, don’t let go.

Quality Time

If someone’s love language is “quality time,” then they’re going to appreciate and value the time you spend together. They want your undivided attention and to connect in a meaningful way. So put away the electronics and find the time to listen, start incredible conversations, and have fun together.

Examples of Quality Time:

• Make it About Them: Sometimes when people try to spend quality time, they end doing something they want to do. But if you want this to register as an actual love act, then think about the things they really like and set aside some time to do it together.
• Go On a No Electronics Date: Leave your phones at home and maybe take a bike ride with stops at a nice coffee shop, scenic spots, and a place to eat later on.
• Join Them in Their Activities: If your partner has certain activities they do alone, offer to join them in it and take a real interest.
• Find Common Ground: If you both don’t really have a lot of shared interests, then exploring activities and hobbies together is a must. So for instance, explore new areas of the town and find new hole in the wall restaurants. Or try a sport, a local event, or a class together. Find anyway you can to spend quality time with your significant other.

Acts of Service

Acts of service are actions you take to make your significant other feel special and loved. So what have they been asking for that you might have been overlooking? Or is there a task they don’t like to do that you could take off their shoulders? There are so many ways to show acts of kindness to your partner.

Examples of Acts of Service:

• Surprise Them: If there’s a task or errand that they really don’t like doing (but never ask you to do it), surprise them with having it already done.
• Do The Shore They Normally Do: Even if they don’t mind the chore, take over it that day and give them some more time for themselves.
• Help Them After a Big Day or Week: If your partner has had a stressful, exhausting, or eventful day or week, go ahead and make that call to the insurance company, fill up their tank, run that errand, or do the dishes.
• Go the Extra Mile: If you say you’re going to do something and you follow through with it, that’s great! But one way to make your actions stand out as an act of love is to go the extra mile. So for instance, if you say you’ll do the dishes that night, then do them and clean the next room that really needs it.

Words of Affirmation

If “words of affirmation” is someone’s main love language, this just means they feel loved when their partner encourages, compliments, and uplifts with their words.

Examples of Words of Affirmation:

• Tell Them What You Appreciate and Why: Let your partner know that you appreciate what they’re doing for you. And then take it a step further and let them know why you appreciate it. Or if you tell them that they’re important to you, let them know why. And if they’re struggling to feel beautiful or handsome, let them know why they’re attractive. Then they won’t have any reason to think, “they’re just saying that,” and they’ll feel thought of.
• Love Notes: Get some sticky notes and put them on the mirror, their work station, or other places where they can see your affectionate words.
• Texting: Send random texts throughout the day to compliment, encourage, or thank them for something.
• Talk to Them Before Bed: Before you turn off the lights, let them fall asleep to the kind words you just spoke to them. Let them know what you appreciate them for that day, why you love them, or even just a simple but meaningful compliment.

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Why You Should Know Your Partner’s Love Language

Knowing your partner’s love language can save you from heartache and a lot of misunderstandings.

So let’s say your partner is a physical touch kind of person. They’re into holding and being held, but neither you or your partner understand that this is their love language.

Now you may not be too into physical touch and think that they’re just being needy. And with enough time, you might even voice that they’re needy too (or something very close).

Now them not knowing that this is their love language will feel degraded and probably start seeing themselves as needy, even though this is something that’s just apart of them.

So actually knowing their love language is a wonderful way to understand what they need so that you can cater to them and make them feel loved. That they’re not trying to take too much from you, it’s just a need they have.

Also, if you don’t know your partner’s love language, you may be trying to love them in ways that aren’t really registering. So if their love language is quality time, but the only time you find for them is to buy them a gift, they aren’t going to appreciate it as much as they would spending time with you.

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How to Figure Out Your Love Language

If you’ve been wondering what your love language is, then it’s not too hard to figure out. An on Gary Chapman’s site, he does have a love language quiz, but I can also help you figure it out here.

So which of the things down below make you feel the most loved in a relationship?

• Your partner reaches out to touch you.
• They gift you something special or meaningful.
• Your significant other does the dishes for you.
• Your partner sets aside time to talk and hang out.
• They praise you or send you a sweet love message during your busy day.

And if you’re still not sure, then take the time to be mindful throughout the week to see what you respond the most to. But just know that when you figure this out, the better your both can be at expressing love and taking care of each others needs.

There will be less misunderstandings when you’re both able to speak each other’s love languages.

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The Benefits of Knowing Your Partner’s Love Languages

Learning the love language types is so powerful. Because once you understand how you both receive and accept love, you can both work to improve your connection and intimacy.

And one of the best ways to set a firm foundation for a relationship is to make sure that you both know each other’s needs and desires, so here are some other incredible benefits to learning your partner’s love language.

They Promote Better Communication

Knowing your partner’s love language takes the guess work out of trying to make them feel truly loved. It gives you a clear way to express your affection that’s actually meaningful, and they’ll be able to give you feedback if it’s needed.

So if you’ve both been struggling to feel connected and like you just “get each other” then being able to speak their love language (and vice versa) will open up a dialogue of what’s actually needed and then their needs can be met.

Love Languages Make You More Mindful & Intentional

Once you’ve figured out your significant other’s different love languages, it can make you a much more mindful and intentional person throughout the day.

Suddenly you find yourself thinking about grabbing them their favorite coffee drink on the way home because you know they love gifts. Or you find yourself giving them an extra kiss and a hold in the morning before you head out because they love physical touch.

And becoming this kind of person helps to ensure that your relationship just continues to get better throughout the years.

Love Languages Make You a More Giving Person

You and I probably both need to grow in giving; it’s so easy to fall into the pattern of making so much about ourselves and what we need. But the proverb “It’s better to give than to receive,” really is true.

And nurturing your partner’s love language can make you a much more giving person. It helps get you out of that everything-is-about-me rut and puts your focus on someone else.

They Help You Grow a Deeper Emotional Connection

The beginning of a relationship can feel so exciting and fresh, and sometimes it can feel like anything after that just isn’t as good.

But knowing your partner’s love language (and vice versa) will help you both to foster a much more deep and meaningful emotional connection. You’ll find yourselves being on the same page and just wanting to spend more time together.

They Promote a More Resilient Relationship

Knowing each other’s love languages can really cultivate a sense of trust because you know that you both care about each other.

And when you both feel emotionally fulfilled and that you have each other’s backs, when a difficult situation does pop up, you can get through it together, not apart.

They Boost Empathy

When you’re able to see that not everyone expresses or receives love in the same way, you’re able to shift your perspective on other’s needs. And doing this can boost your empathy in your romantic and non-romantic relationships.

So instead of making it about how you personally feel they should receive love, you’re making it about them, how they feel, and what they need.

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Mistakes to Avoid With the 5 Love Languages

While the 5 love languages can be incredible for your relationship, problems are bound to arise when you’re trying to work on and heal your connection.

So here are a few mistakes to avoid when it comes to this love languages list:

• Be Careful of Demanding Too Much: Sometimes when a person figures out their love language, it can be easy to get into the mindset that this is something their partner should be meeting all the time. But just be mindful that they are human, they’re growing, and also of your own needs. How much do you really need them to be practicing your love language? And could it be possible that there might be other underlying problems that aren’t be addressed that might be making you feel you need it more than you do?
• Don’t See It as a Competition: If you see that you’re catering to their love language more than they are for you, don’t keep tabs. This is about making you both aware of each other’s needs and helping you to both grow into more loving people.
• Have Open Communication: Whether you’re both communicating that you’re doing a love act for each other (to make each other aware), or you’re communicating when something isn’t work, make sure to keep an open dialogue between the two of you.
• Don’t Use It as a Bandaid for Bigger Problems: If you have other relationship issues that need sorting, then communicate and get counseling if needed. These five love languages aren’t a fix all, they’re just meant to help you grow in loving and taking care of the other person’s needs.
• You Might Have More Than One Love Language: It’s important to understand that you and your partner might have more than one love language, and that’s perfectly ok! So make sure that both of you are being mindful of this and to communicate what you’re truly needing.
• Don’t Assume Your Partner Will Just “Get It:” Even if you’ve told your partner about your love language, it can still take some time to get used to practicing it. So make sure you’re helping, communicating, and being patient in a way you would want if the roles were reversed.

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How to Practice the Love Languages With Others

Learning your partner’s love language is a wonderful thing to do, but it doesn’t just have to stop with them.

Try being mindful of the love languages your friends, children, or even colleagues might have. It’s a wonderful way to foster a closer connection with the people in your life.

So for example, if you’ve observed that your son’s love language is quality time, then you might find more excuses to spend time together and doing things they enjoy. Or even just inviting them to go with you on an outing!

Or if your friend’s love language is gift giving, you might surprise them with a special Amazon order or take them out a nice coffee.

And if your colleague’s love language is acts of service, then you might offer to help and take on a certain part of their project.

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Love languages can sometimes grow and change, and other times they stay the same. But it’s up to you and your partner to look for this and communicate so that you can both grow closer throughout the years, and not grow apart.

It really is a wonderful way to build a much more deep and meaningful relationship, so figure out each other’s love languages and see how you can take care of each other this week!

PS – After going through the 5 love languages list, which one did you realize was yours?