8 Simple Steps to Receiving Feedback in a Relationship (and How to Give It)

There’s a lot of information on how to do relationship out there.

I would know; I’ve read so much of it.

In fact, I really hate it when someone over promises in a title and then underdelivers.

I find myself going, “Well, that’s wasn’t helpful at all. They just used a catchy title to lead me to a lame article.”

So when I wrote this post on receiving feedback and how it’ll help your relationship, I made sure not to do that. I wanted to give you valuable and useable information when handling something so important.

Because honestly, for those of us who are in one, it’s a huge part of our lives and we need all the help we can get.

So when you read through this, know that each step is important and corresponds with each other. It’ll help you and your significant grow closer through receiving and giving feedback.

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Receiving Feedback

Putting Down Your Barriers

When I was first dating my now husband, I started to notice a trend every time he would bring something up that hurt or bothered him.

My defenses would go up. I would start to feel hurt myself and then I wasn’t taking in anything he was telling me. Which of course led to a longer more drawn out argument.

This is how a lot of people are; they put up defenses when they know criticism of any kind is coming. And it’s understandable, a lot of us don’t know how to process, retain, or deal with it. So this is an important step in the process of opening up communication.

Allow yourself to put down your barriers. Look past the “Well this is just how I am.” Because let’s be honest, if your partner said that when you confronted them on something that hurt you, they’d just hurt you all the more. Know that it’s healthy to change, and especially when you want to keep a healthy and open dialogue between the two of you.

You want your partner to be able to be vulnerable when discussing an issue, so opening or starting to open up dialogue will grow your intimacy. You’ll know that you can confront or speak with each other about anything and everything.

And even if your partner isn’t being tactful about how they’re bringing up an issue (perhaps they’re mad), know that listening and responding calmly will calm them down and start the process of creating a more healthy communication pattern.

So even if you don’t see it right now, just know that you’re starting and it will come.

Listen, Don’t Make Assumptions

When you lower your defenses, your next step is to listen. And when I say listen, I mean I want you to fully hear them out. Making assumptions as to what they’re going to say or where it’s leading is a great way to build up walls again and not hear a word they’re saying.

In the past, I used to assume that I knew exactly what my husband was going to say or do. I thought he were just trying to cut me down, or he had an issue with me that wasn’t real. And when I did this, I made it impossible for him and his heart to be heard.

He’d express something that hurt or annoyed him, and then I wouldn’t process it fully which meant the conversation turned into an unnecessary fight.

Self-Improvement

When you put your barriers down, listen and actually hear what they’re saying, you can now see it in a different light.

So instead of feeling hurt, you can see it as an opportunity for self-improvement. We all need to grow, so why not see it as a time to find your blind spots? We all have them, and it’s great when someone is able to point them out for you. Then you won’t continue on the same path and get into another fight, a breakup, or even something that happens outside of the relationship.

The person that you’re in a relationship with is probably the person you’re closest to and who loves you the most. And unless they’re a manipulative (break up with them if that’s the case), then you should see it as good feedback from a loved one.

Acknowledge Them

This is a great argument diffuser. Once you’ve heard them out completely and you’ve processed what they’re saying, let them know that you understand by repeating back what you’ve heard.

Usually people continue letting out their frustration and repeat why they’re irritated with you because you’re not letting them know that you get it. And once you let them know, then they’ll know that you’ve heard them out, and you can work things out from there.

Make a Plan

Finally, you can acknowledge that change needs to happen, and let them know how you’ll get rid of the problem.

Don’t just say, “I’m sorry, I won’t do that again.” Create a plan as to how you’ll stop that specific action that hurt your partner all together. It makes them feel secure that things are actually taken care of. And make sure to follow through with it, otherwise trust will be damaged.

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Giving Feedback

Never Use the Words “Always” and “Never”

One of the biggest do-not’s when giving feedback to your partner or spouse is saying the words “always” and “never.”

I was taught some years ago that you should never use these words when telling them how you feel. Because when you say, “You never listen to me,” or, “You always forget to help me,” you’re doing two things. One, you’re lying. Your partner doesn’t always or never do something. And two, you’re raising the blood pressure in the room.

Not only is your anger rising when phrasing things like that, but you’re making them angry as well. They know they don’t always or never do something, and then they forget what you’re initially upset about and start defending themselves.

So avoiding these words can mean avoiding a heated fight between the two of you.

Plan It Out

Plan out beforehand what you want to bring up that actually upset you (the root cause). They may do something that irritates you, but before going after that specific action, think of the past.

Why does this thing irritate you so much? If there’s a past history of them doing something repeatedly, then make sure to bring it up. I’m not saying count their sins and always remember them, but you do need to figure out the root cause of why you’re actually hurt so you can both work it out.

And once you figure this out, then you can plan out how you want to approach them about it. Don’t walk into the room and demand to speak with them. Ask them calmly if you can talk with them about something. Usually they’re going to be a lot more relaxed and open if you start things out like this.

Make Your Intent and Needs Known

Make sure that you let them know that you’re not here to attack them, you just want to communicate something that upset you. You obviously don’t want to start a fight, but you do want to address what’s frustrating you.

Then let them know it’s important that you feel heard so they listen and don’t interrupt and assume that they know what you’re about to say. It helps put their barriers down when they know they’re not going to be hurt themselves and what your needs are.

And once you’ve laid out what they’re doing that’s hurting you and how it makes you feel, ask them what they think about it. Then they can feel safe and let you know why or what’s going through their head when they do that action. Also if there was a miscommunication or misunderstanding, then they can let you know and hopefully things will work themselves out quickly.

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