Sometimes being single doesn’t always feel that great. Especially when you see your friends or even your ex in a new relationship, and you’re wondering when your person will finally come along.
But here’s the thing, a lot of those relationships aren’t going to last. And that’s because they didn’t take time when they were single to work on themselves. They jumped into something with a lot of baggage or issues that still needed to be fixed.
So know that this is your opportunity to focus on you and what you’ll be bringing into the next romantic relationship you’re in. Because where others fail now, you’ll be able to succeed in the future by asking yourself, “Am I ready for a relationship?” and doing the work ahead of time.
Look At the Places Where You’re Selfish
Let’s face it, you and I are both self-centered. But it can get a lot worse when you’re single, and without fail, carry over into a relationship. And when this happens, it can easily lead to hurt and breaking up.
That’s why it’s so important to take the opportunity, whether with a friend or family member, to practice giving instead of just taking. Because a person can only give for so long until they have nothing left to hand you.
When I met my now spouse, I found out I had a lot of work to do. I had to realize that it wasn’t all about my needs and what I wanted. I had to learn how to really listen when they communicated with me about what they needed. Because if I failed to do that and went in a different direction, I ended up hurting them badly.
I was told by a very wise person in my life that, “It’s not about finding the person that can make you happy for the rest of your life. It’s about finding the person you can make happy for the rest of your life.” Because when you give instead of constantly take from someone, and have their words feel respected, they’re going to want to do the same for you.
This is such a big part of the foundation for a safe, secure, and strong partnership and an ideal relationship.
Look At Your Side of Things
If you were in a failed friendship and struggling after a breakup, it can be easy to point the finger at the other person and see what they did wrong. But in the end, you have to look and see what you did to contribute.
What did you say or do to them that pushed them away or hurt them? Did you say something harsh in a fight that you regretted later? Did you ignore them when they tried to communicate with you? A failed relationship is hardly ever a one man job.
So look for the ways you contributed so that history doesn’t repeat itself in the future.
This kind of self reflection and awareness is so important if you really want to assess your readiness for a relationship, and build up an aligned companionship that actually lasts.
Find Unhealthy Habits That Were Created in Your Previous Relationships
Many times, the things you do now weren’t always present before.
So for instance, in your last relationship, the only way you could communicate that you wanted something done right away was by blowing up at them immediately. And this was probably because they usually failed to follow through or ignored you in the past.
Now this trait has carried over to family and friends or even another failed relationship. See where I’m going?
Basically, you want to find what unhealthy habits were created in your past relationship (or relationships) so that they don’t carry over to your new boyfriend or girlfriend.
Because if they end up being great listeners, but forget to carry through with something once or twice, and you blow up, that could damage the relationship very quickly.
Train yourself out of what you know is unhealthy so that you can give the next person your best. This is how you really make sure you’re ready for a relationship and not going to repeat old patterns.
Take Notes on the Healthy Relationships Around You
You know those relationships that you admire and look up to? Take note on what they do and why they’re healthy. And know that this could be your own parents, friends, friend’s parents, and even other family members
So what do you admire about them? Do they both show respect by not talking bad about each other? Are they loyal and make their spouse/partner their first priority? Are they romantic and affectionate? Take notes!
Look for what you want in your next relationship, and only be with someone who has those attributes or who’s willing to grow in them. It’s one of the best ways to have long-term fulfillment.
And on the opposite end of the spectrum, look at unhealthy relationships in your life that you don’t want to emulate. See what they’re doing wrong, and make sure you don’t date someone like them, or do what they do in a relationship.
Avoid Wasting Time
With the last tip said, make sure you’re in check with your own mind and heart.
Make sure that you’re not desperate to be in a relationship. Because when this happens, it usually leads you to wasting time being in something that was never going to work out.
The year you spent dating that one person could have been the year you met your future spouse. So know what you want, and make sure to stick to it.
No sense in wasting your emotions on the wrong person! Just use this checklist before getting into a relationship so you can better understand the indicators of readiness that actually matter. That’s how you’ll be honoring your worth and prepping for a relationship that truly feels right.
And while it might be hard to be single now when everyone around you seems to be in love, think of how you can be the best person possible for your next relationship. Look at where you can grow and heal and work to give your future girlfriend or boyfriend what they deserve. That’s how to know if you’re ready for a relationship; you’re being your best self first.
Grace Moser is the author and founder of Chasing Foxes, where she writes articles to help women create a life they love in big and small ways. She's been a full-time traveler since 2016 and loves sharing her experiences and exploring the world with her husband, Silas. Her lifestyle and travel advice can also be seen on sites such as Business Insider, Glamour, Newsweek, Huffpost, & Apartment Therapy.
Awesome article. Can totally relate to it.
In the last paragraph below a sub-heading “Avoid Wasting Time”, in line number 4, there is a line which goes
“Know what you want, and stick to it if the person obviously doesn’t fit your criteria”.
I think you meant to write ” don’t stick to it if the person obviously doesn’t fit your criteria”
Once again, an awesome article.
Thanks Sam! I appreciate the help. 🙂
All good points however, learn to spot an emotionally unavailable candidate. Otherwise you will be waisting a lot of valuable time. That goes for men and women alike.
I like everything you said. I would just like to suggest an add up and this is to make sure that they’ve already cried it out. To be open to someone who is of the same gender. To express themselves and be heard. Because I think they would want to shake off all pains and hurts before investing again on another person. It’s true, the person next and hopefully the last deserves the best from us 🙂
Well put Jonah. I think it’s good to have someone of the same gender that can hear you out. I feel that it’s easy (sometimes) to get attached romantically to someone of the opposite sex when you’re being open and pouring out your heart. Then it distracts from the healing process and very little (if any) progress is made.
I loved ur article. The only thing I saw missing which is what happened to me, is that both parties shud make sure they’re truly eligible to BE in the relationship. Loose ends with an ex, or a divorce that’s not final, or still loving someone else, needs to be personally evaluated and honestly answered. You might adore this new person, but if you have unfinished business in actuality or just in ur heart, from ur last relationship, do this new person a favor and don’t her involved. You won’t be the one that gets hurt in the end. The innocent great new person will be the one left at home alone, crying, and single and in love, while u wisk away to go finish (or not) what ud started previously. I implore you. Don’t use another to distract yourself from ur troubles or fill a new hole in ur heart. You end up just hurting someone that trusted you and put their heart out there on good faith.
Thank you so much! And I fully agree with what you’re saying. If we plan on getting into a relationship again, we really do need to make sure what’s happened in the past stays in the past. We need to check with ourselves so we know that we’re ready to move on and we don’t end up hurting the next person.