“People only make about within 10% of what they think they’re worth.”
Silas, my husband, told me this quote last week and it hit me hard.
I realized that I had been dealing with more self hate than I knew. And that’s when I understood the reason as to why I had never worked on growing as a person or my income with blogging.
I didn’t feel that I was worth very much and so things stayed stagnant.
I was self-sabotaging my own success in personal development and making money.
“The reason why people don’t succeed is because they don’t feel they deserve it.”
My husband was listening a few months ago to a podcast where he had heard an interviewee say this.
At first, when he brought it up to me, I thought it was a seriously strange concept. But then a few months later as I started to take a real look at my progress as a person and in my business, he brought it up again.
Did I think I was worth it? Did I feel that I deserved to have the life I wanted?
And this time I gave myself time to actually process these questions.
After some time reflecting on it, I realized I didn’t feel I deserved the success I was having. I realized I didn’t even believe in myself to accomplish my goals. I just didn’t feel worthy.
And this doesn’t just go with making money…
It goes with relationships as well. Growing up, I’d have healthy people want to be friends with me, but then I’d push them away and choose the “frenemies.” AND THEN I’d wonder why I could never make “real” friends.
I didn’t feel I deserved to have healthy people in my life, so I’d self-sabotage relationships as well.
Where Self Hate Shows Up
I found that self hate shows up in so many more places than I had expected.
And for you, some of these examples might just hit home:
Self Hate Alienates: This is something that God had laid on my heart. If you find you’re doing things that are pushing others away from yourself, it might just be that you don’t feel worthy of expectance.
This can come out in actions that might annoy others, or actions that would hurt them emotionally. If you’re dealing with self-hate, then doing things that would be hateful to yourself and others will manifest.
Imposter Syndrome: I found that as I started to progress towards better habits, I’d have a great couple of days, and then when I slipped up in one way, I’d lose ground on all the other good habits I had started to grow in.
I felt that if I had made such a big mistake, me continuing in the new good habits made me a fake. How could I continue in these healthy ways and not be seen as an imposter? And then I found myself losing ground everywhere else. I’d get discouraged, feel unworthy, and not continue to take ground in my growth.
Goal Assassination: We all have goals and dreams in our lives, and for me, I had plenty of them. But I never went after them. At first I thought it was from a lack of motivation, but then I realized that I just didn’t believe in myself. And I found that I didn’t feel worthy to even have my dreams come true.
Sure I was able to have big success in my blogging career, but I had started it when I was in a difficult place in life. I wanted to get my husband out of his soul-sucking corporate job and so I had something pushing me. But since getting him out of that, things didn’t grow from there.
Returning to Old Habits: As I began to progress in my goals of having new habits that would make my relationships and life better, I’d see myself retreat back into a place of unhealthiness.
I was self-sabotaging my own endeavors to become a better person. I didn’t feel worthy of having a better life. I knew the good habits would bring me a better life, but my self-hate didn’t want that.
How to Identify Self Hate
I’ve found that having time in my day to identify where I was allowing those lies of self hate to come through really helped.
And whether it’s with your time with God and praying while taking down notes, or with yourself (and possibly another person who knows you better than anyone else), it’s important to find where you’re self-sabotaging yourself.
Then you can clearly identify the places of self hate and find where you can counteract. You have to see self-hate as the enemy. In fact, you have to see it as a totally different person. And this brings me to my next point.
How to Deal with Self-Sabotaging
Recently, as my husband and I were talking about my self-hate that was sabotaging things in my life, he brought up this thought,
“What if there was a person in your life that made it their job to hurt me or hurt you. To make you and me feel miserable and make us feel like we couldn’t reach our dreams? In fact, they sabotaged your goals and made you feel fear when you shouldn’t feel fear. They alienated you from having meaningful loving relationships. What would you do to that person?”
My first response, “Throw them out the window.”
There would legitimately be no reason to keep this person in my life. In fact, they would be so toxic to me and the ones I loved that I’d want to end them. If they were literally trying to destroy my life, why would I keep them in it?
And that’s when I started to imagine an actual person and visualize what they’d look like. I started imaging what this would be doing to me and my relationships if they were real.
Silas and I also gave her a name, Sally.
Side Note: We felt that giving her a name was important so we could instantly call her out. It’s a great way to make sure you see this as another person because this self hate was never suppose to be apart of you.
Now at first, reminding myself of this person didn’t come natural. But when Silas could sense I was feeling fear, he’d let me know that Sally was in the room. They were influencing my actions.
And suddenly… I found myself calming down and getting rid of the fear. Then.. I was able to think clearly and articulate my thoughts more accurately.
I realized that fear, self-hate, the feeling of being unworthy… it was never suppose to be apart of me. So actually seeing them as another person that’s trying to inflict these things on me helped me take control of my actions.
I also found that having goals everyday was extremely helpful as well.
If I had something daily to work on, it would help me keep track.
But the important thing is this: Having goals and fighting your self-hate go hand in hand. Self hate wants to sabotage your goals big and small. If it can make you think that you can’t do it, you’re not good enough, and/or you’re not worthy of a better life, it’ll keep you in that same unhealthy place.
Fighting this “other person” who tries to bring you down is going to be one of the most important parts of your life. It’s going to help you destroy self hate so you can be the person you were always suppose to be to others and to yourself.